by Erik Pedersen  |  September 26, 2003

Up in arms: Jessica and Nick get a grip on the whole marriage thing.

She's attractive, rich and talented enough to be considered the preeminent young blonde pop singer who isn't Britney, Christina or Hilary Duff. Or the Olsen twins.

But that's not why we love Jessica Simpson--singer, celebrity spouse and star of the MTV show Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. We love Jessica for her unique mind and uncompromising vision. Whereas lesser intellects might be shaken by things like logic, facts or other people's feelings, Jessica knows that the only truth that matters is her own. Bask in it.

Don't be blinded by the highlights in her hair, the dazzling gleam of her teeth or her impressive ability to belch like a gassy truck driver.

Camera crewsing: Don't seek photogs; bring them home with you.

You will see that it's her unique worldview, her weltanschauung, if you will, that leaves most people scratching their heads and going, Uh, what?

Uh, what indeed.

To help you learn her lessons, we've compiled some of her more profound utterances. As you study her teachings, you'll see that Jessica has more in common with the likes of Albert Einstein and Leonardo Da Vinci than a well-developed bosom.

True wisdom is an elusive thing, but Jessica is on cable all the time. And really, which would you rather spend a good half hour thinking about?

"Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish?"
The Situation: Jessica asks her husband to explain the flaky white meat inside a can of Chicken of the Sea.
The Profound Lesson: Jessica is not afraid to ask questions that we've all pondered at one time...though, granted, most of us were in preschool when we were pondering them. But by doing so, she demonstrates that a true student of life knows there are no stupid questions--only stupid people. And if she were a stupid person, she would have taken one look at that fish-tailed woman on the label and asked her husband if she were eating canned mermaid, now wouldn't she?

The perfect pair: young, beautiful & rich. What could be wrong with that?

"Isn't it plata-ma-pus? I always thought it was plata-ma-pus."
The Situation: Jessica reveals that while the duck-like stuffed animal that she wins at an amusement park may be called a platypus by most, to her the little creatures always sound like some obscure Sesame Street character.
The Profound Lesson: The number of syllables a word has is in no way an indicator of how serious a word it is. Or whether it's a word at all.

"I think I need to go, um...drop some kids in the pool."
The Situation: Jessica has just devoured a meal of fast food delights and now feels a strong urge to defecate but doesn't wish to offend others with such bold talk.
The Profound Lesson: Jessica shows that what most folks consider a simple bodily function can be a creative act from her. Expect more creative acts like this to come from her in the future.

"Is there, like, maids for, like, celebrities?"
The Situation: Upon finding that the house she and husband Nick Lachey have moved into suffers from a severe lack of live-in help, Jessica begins asking the serious questions--grammar be damned!
The Profound Lesson: One of the most difficult things in life for most people is to admit they can't do something. Or simply don't care to do it. Jessica sees the dirty clothes on the floor, the clutter and mess growing in the house and takes the bull by the horns. She looks for someone else who can handle it.

"You learn something new every day."
The Situation: After husband Nick tells Jessica about a dead mouse he found that was stiff with rigor mortis, Jessica asks what that means. She also uses the word mouses.
The Profound Lesson: Some might think it funny to hear her stammer as she attempts to pronounce rigor mortis, but really, what is more important--knowing something that only applies after you're dead or developing a philosophy that celebrates learning something every day? We know we learned something from all this--and it wasn't what happens to dead mouses. Just don't ask us what it was.

Joined at the head: There's so much to learn--together!

"I hate record labels. They think they know everything. I want to hear them try to sing it."
The Situation: A tearful Jessica learns that her record label has found fault with the vocals on her new single and that she must go back to the studio and rerecord said vocals.
The Profound Lesson: After learning that the label found the music of this wee blonde popster "too bluesy" and "too challenging" for most fans, we are inclined to agree with her assessment of the intelligence of the recording-industry types she deals with. Too bluesy? Man, they are stupid.

"I have bubbles in my tummy...It's just air. It's not stink. Promise."
The Situation: After a hearty meal of barbecued hamburgers, Jessica searches deep within herself...and finds gas. Unscented, bubbly gas.
The Profound Lesson: While wags may joke about what's inside her head, Jessica knows where she keeps all her air.

"What if I accidentally hit somebody? Because my dad took one of his friends golfing--and it was like one of his first times--and he knocked out a duck. He hit a duck. Like, I'm scared something like that's gonna happen."
The Situation: Jessica has been invited along to play golf with her husband and in-laws and wonders whether it's a good idea.
The Profound Lesson: This is a thoughtful young woman. Sure, her thoughts go to places that only Looney Tunes cartoons usually go, but what do we learn from her worries? That (1) she listens to her dad's stories (do you?); (2) she cares for the well-being of waterfowl; and (3) she probably should see a therapist.

"Don't make fun of me."
The Situation: Taunted while acclimating to the hardships of a camping expedition, Jessica speaks up for herself.
The Profound Lesson: She makes a serious point about not making sport of other people, but some small-minded jerks who watch the show just won't be able to help themselves.

That Smarts: A Second Volume of Musings from the Mind of a Newlywed

by Erik Pedersen  |  Oct. 17, 2003

We wanted to leave Jessica and Nick alone to enjoy their love, life and TV fame--but now that we've served up the first compendium of Jessica's jewels, we see the girl's gonna keep on talking. So, in the interest of science, we bring you a second helping of her penetrating observations.

"I'm not a good try-er clothes-er on-er."
The Situation: Looking for an outfit to wear to a TV appearance, Jessica and her mother pick through dozens of getups looking for the perfect ensemble.

Sofa fools, gladly: These couch 'taters know love is divan, er, divine.

The Profound Lesson: This is big. In this Oprah-worthy bit of personal revelation, Jessica admits she suffers from a rare disorder that prevents her from dressing herself properly. This also explains why the cameramen often linger over Jessica's body parts when they seem to be surging out of her outfits. They're just worried about her. It's touching, really.

"I don't eat buffalo."
The Situation: While examining a plate of buffalo wings, Jessica admits she doesn't eat the other red meat--woolly bison. Or its wings.

The Profound Lesson: What's in a name? Plenty. This also explains why Jessica got so freaked out when we offered her a plate of Kenny Rogers Roasters.

"No, 23 is old. It's almost 25, which is, like, almost mid twenties."
The Situation: Discussing her upcoming birthday, Jessica explains "counting" to a friend, including a brief foray into the theories of real, rational and imaginary numbers.

The Profound Lesson: People thought Isaac Newton was crazy, too. But here Jessica is using fractions and other advanced mathematical concepts to explain how an infinite set of numbers can exist between any two whole numbers. At least we think that's what she's doing.

Mouths of Babes: Love will keep this toothsome duo together. Right?

"We're going to, like, have to rewall our house."
The Situation: Upon returning home, Jessica finds that not only has he decorated the house, Nick has nicked the walls.

The Profound Lesson: All those trips to Home Depot have finally paid off. Home-improvement maven Jess is ready to demolish the damaged walls and put up fresh ones.

"Baaaby."
The Situation: She says this so often it's really hard to choose just one example.

The Profound Lesson: This is Jessica at her most fiendishly brilliant. While most languages are based on the idea of different words for different meanings, Jessica has developed a one-word linguistic system that covers nearly every need. When she's hungry, she says "Baaaby." When she's mad, "Baaaby." When she's sick of being made fun of, "Baaaby!"