Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, Episode 1: The Princess and the Skinflint
by Sting7, from Reality News Online

Who are Nick and Jessica, you ask?

Nick Lachey is a member of 98 Degrees, basically the lead singer, though he sometimes shares the lead. 98 Degrees, probably the least cloying of the boy bands, has brought us such hits as “Because of You,” “The Hardest Thing,” and their number one single “Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche).”

Jessica Simpson, the Texas beauty with the big voice, first came to prominence with her breakout single, “I Wanna Love You Forever.” Later albums haven’t yielded hits, but she’s definitely back in the game with her new single, “The Sweetest Sin.” She and Nick also recorded a duet, “Where You Are,” which was popular among the TRL set.

They were pop’s First Couple before Britney spilled the beans about Justin. When Jessica said she was a virgin, it was believable. They did break up for awhile, allegedly because Nick was getting tired of waiting, but they reconciled and have been inseparable ever since.

We begin with home video footage of Nick and Jessica’s wedding. It looks like a beautiful day! Nick looks breathless as Jessica, who is breathtaking, is led down the aisle by her father. The reverend makes a point of noting that Jessica has “maintained her purity, and kept her promise to the Lord.” I don’t know if I’d want that agreement to be so public! But I guess I don’t really have to worry about that, do I?

As they exit the church, rice flying everywhere, Jessica squeals, “We’re married!”

And the adventure begins!

Six months later, Nick and Jessica are in a huge, gorgeous, Spanish-style home that only rich pop stars can have. Problem is, like rich pop stars, their furniture seems to consist of a couch and a plasma television! Jessica reminds us that people say the first year of marriage is the hardest.

Jessica says to Nick that all they watch on television is sports. No it isn’t, Nick says as the sounds of a basketball boom in the background. “When we drove home, all we did was listen to the game!” Jessica persists. Nick doesn’t think that’s worthy of a response.

Then they are on the couch, watching the basketball game. “What’s this that I’m eating? Is it chicken or fish?” Jessica ponders. Nick looks at her aghast, “You act like you’ve never had tuna before!”

Jessica explains, “Well, it said ‘Chicken By the Sea,’ so if it’s tuna, why do they call it chicken?” Nick reacts, like 99% of us are reacting, and corrects her that it’s “Chicken of the Sea,” and Jessica snarls not to make fun of her. She’s not in the mood. Gently, Nick explains that people really like chicken, it’s a staple, so the name is saying it’s like the chicken of the sea. Jessica is satisfied with the logic of this.

Jessica decides to do some straightening and get rid of some dead flowers. But the vase has water in it, to her surprise, and she spills. “Ooh! I messed up?” she gasps. “Nick!”(Okay, she needs him to clean the water??) Nick comes in and tells her he ain’t doing it. She grabs some paper towels and fishes for a compliment on her cleaning skills. Then she asks if they own a mop.

Nick says, “If you don’t know if we have a mop, you just answered your own question!”

It’s kind of adorable, really.

They head to the bedroom, which is piles of clothes. Piles and piles. They agree it’s time to do some laundry. (Uh, yeah!) Jessica throws her pile over the railing into what is probably a foyer.

Nick has somewhere to go (looks like a spa!). He complains to someone (Jessica’s mother? Not clear.) that she just leaves clothes everywhere. Jessica tells us that she has been performing since she was 14, which mean hotel rooms and more hotel rooms, which means someone cleans up after her. Just what she’s used to.

But Jessica gives it the ol’ college try, sorting clothes. The phone rings. Someone wants to know if she wants to go to the movies. Oh, she has so much laundry to do, she whimpers. (Good girl.) Then she asks if there is a maid service for celebrities. (Bad girl.)

Apparently, Nick won’t spend the money on a maid. In a house that size, Nick should rethink that. Jessica calls Nick and the laundry progress isn’t good. Neither is the conversation. She looks at the piles with scorn.

Jessica says it’s fun to put the clothes in the washer, but the fluff and fold bit sucks. So, she doesn’t do it. Clothes reign in the laundry room.

Nick says his condo finally sold. He’s got to move! He enlists his brother (and 98 Degrees bandmate) Drew Lachey, and they proceed to lug his massive stuff into a U-Haul. He almost immediately regrets those few bucks he saved.

Jessica and Mom come home to find the place full of boxes and unsettled furniture. She is immediately annoyed. Jessica tells her mother that Nick just will not spend the money for a mover. Mom says if it costs $500, it’s money well spent! (I agree!)

When Nick arrives, Jessica is fairly bristling. Nick wants to discuss the headboard that won’t fit in the bedroom (what kind of headboard is that?). Jessica’s disinterest is clear, “just do whatever you want to do.” Nick simply says “okay.” (He’s learning!). As he and Drew try to haul a big screen television up that loooong staircase, Nick whispers, “It’s times like this I’m glad I don’t have a gun. I’d shoot myself!”

Drew says, “Why would you shoot yourself?” They both giggle. Brothers.

Lesson learned, Jessica and Nick actually interview a maid. She’s completely awe-struck at the size of the place. Nick, of course, wants to know what she charges. She’s too awe-struck to answer. Nick says shows her around the place. It doesn’t help. They agree to hire her and they will talk about price later. (Bad move!)

The maid comes as scheduled, and looks like an octopus, vacuuming, discarding, replacing, all simultaneously! Time to get paid, she says she wants $120. For six hours. (That’s probably a good deal.) Nick says sure, and he’ll talk to Jessica about when she can come back.

To Drew, he says she wants $20 an hour. That’s about right, right? Drew shrugs. After a beat, Nick thinks $20 an hour is an awful lot of money! Jessica and Nick glance at the laundry room and she gasps! It’s clean of any clothes at all! “When does our laundry look like this?” she asks astonished.

“It never looks like this!” Nick agrees.

They look at each other and Jessica says, “This is a moment!” Looks like the maid is hired!