Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, Episode 2: No Touching
by Sting7, from Reality News Online

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No pop star will stay a pop star very long if they aren’t producing product. Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson both have albums coming soon (in fact, both have singles right now). And, albums mean touring, and that means rehearsals. And for our newly wedded stars, that means trouble.

Nick is discussing the auditions for stage dancers to perform with him on tour. He says the plan is for the girls to be very sexy and very provocative. Jessica is immediately unnerved. Noting this, Cate, Nick’s mother, asks why the need for sexy dancers? Nick says, well, the songs are sexy. He adds it will be tasteful though. And promptly farts.

Nick and his brother, Drew, are driving to the audition. Nick says Drew gets plenty “perks.” Perk seems to be the right word when they get a gander at the auditioning dancers. Skin everywhere. Drew’s eyes look like they may pop out of his head.

The choreographer says they are looking for girls who aren’t “overtly sexual,” but sexy within themselves. These girls looked deep within themselves as they performed! As a pair of daisy dukes gadunked-gadunked past him, poor Nick is stopped in mid-sentence.

Jessica decides it’s time to buy some lingerie. She reasons that she needs to show her husband he has plenty to look at at home.

Dance rehearsal! Nick’s publicist, Michelle, says it’s hard to narrow the girls down. She thinks maybe letting the girls improvise with Nick to see what they come up with on their own, chemistry, etc. Nick springs into action. As he performs, girls hands are on his belly, his upper thigh, his very upper thigh... it’s distracting. He says he’s not sure what to do with it. Choreographer says, “Wherever your body goes, it’s okay!” Jess will love that. Oh, she does.

Jessica “pops” in to see the work in progress. Lots of hands on Nick. She silently simmers. Then she unsilently simmers. She asks Michelle why they have to be so “handsy.” Michelle says it’s just dancing.

At lunchbreak, one very giggly dancer asks when Nick Jr. is due. Nick says Nick Jr. won’t be arriving for a long time, unless it’s a surprise. He adds that he and Jessica are still “too young and stupid” to take that on just yet. Proving his point, Jessica calls.

“Remember when I said I needed bras and panties?” (Hmmm... last episode when she was buried in laundry, she couldn’t believe how much underwear she had!) Jessica begins. Well, she bought two pairs of bras and two pairs of panties, and oh my God they were $750! Nick’s mouth works for a moment (remember, he is quite the tightwad). How could that happen?

Jessica says she wasn’t paying attention. She just happened to look at the receipt walking out the store and there it was. Just take them back! Jessica says she can’t, the store has a no return-no exchange policy (she just walked out the door, I’m sure it would have been okay). Nick says anyone in their right mind “would look at the prices before they buy something.” She hangs up on him. Nick says to the camera that $750 is way too much money. “You’re just gonna take ‘em off anyway!”

He can’t really be that tight.

Back to rehearsals. Nick is singing “Shut Up,” his new single. Jessica is still simmering, “Watch where you grope,” she warns no one in particular. It looks like someone caught wind of Jess’ discomfort. Nick’s manager says it’s important to not go overboard. Not that it’s bad or anything, just some of what he’s seen is 5-10% too much. Just pull back a little, okay babe? Michelle completely contradicts him and says that Nick is young and virile and they have to show that women like him. They have to sell that. It all seems to make sense to Nick, who says pulling back is easier than adding on. It’s hard to be pop star.

Nick tells the camera that he and Jessica try to keep their professional lives separate from their personal lives. Jessica makes it clear to Nick that she doesn’t like all the touching. Nick seems content to just let her rant.

Later, as Nick rehearses with the band, he dedicates a song to Jessica. She gets teary-eyed and all is forgiven.

Driving home, Jessica relays the day’s events to her mother, Tina. Tina sympathizes that Jessica won the “touching” war. She admits she was getting “a little attitude,” but Nick was understanding. Of course, he better be, she adds, since he got all pissy about her kissing Ashton Kutcher on That ‘70’s Show and she has to watch him with those hoochie-mama dancers and he’s making “that flirty face that I love!” Her mother gets a chuckle out of that.

They both are scheduled to do a USO show and as they prepare in their hotel room, Jessica is in a foul mood. Nick asks what’s wrong with her. She snarls, “you haven’t been half interested in half of what I’ve said to you all day!” (Is that a quarter? Nevermind.)

“Maybe I don’t want to be a part of the bitchfest,” Nick retorts. Jessica stomps that she has NOT been bitchy. Nick replies the her behavior “is not womanly.” Jessica’s Dad snorts. I think he enjoys this!

Edit! Jessica asks where Nick is, someone says he went to soundcheck. She can’t believe he left without saying goodbye to her! And she continues to not believe it for what seems like hours. She moans to her dad, “he’s probably fed up with me,”

Her dad replies, “he probably is.”

Jessica heads down to for her soundcheck and Nick is still rehearsing. She pouts. Back at the hotel, she says she needs to relax. Maybe they should watch a movie. Nick says maybe there’s a basketball game on. Jessica’s parents giggle, they know where this is going. Jessica says she would watch Teen Wolf if it’s on. (Interesting taste in movies!) Nick says he can go next door and watch basketball with the dancers. She gasps. Her dad offers that he has a .22!

Jessica tells her mother (after Nick has left again), that the only thing she couldn’t forgive is him cheating. If he cheated, she would shoot him and then shoot “it.” Her mother giggles. Jessica says she couldn’t cut it off, she’d have to shoot it.

Nick performs “Shut Up” and the dancers never touch him below the shoulders, but at the end of the song, they rip his shirt open! I’m sure the soldiers loved that. When Jessica performs, she notes that her husband had lots of sexy women around him, so she gets to bring a handsome soldier on stage to sing to! The guy she chooses looks like the father of three and the owner of an SUV! She sings “I Wanna Love You Forever,” and save for some slinky shimmying in front of the dude, it’s strictly PG.

Together, Nick and Jessica perform their duet “Where You Are” and Nick says it feels like home for him. Jessica says it was the first time they performed that song together in years. It reminds her of all the reasons she loves him.

And there is peace in the valley once again.