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Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, Episode 3: Do
Bears Eat Pop Stars?
by Sting7, from Reality News Online
Jessica and her sister-in-law, Leah (Drew’s
wife) try to be excited by the upcoming camping trip. Meanwhile, Nick and Drew
can hardly sit still. The girls are called to help load the truck, and show
themselves to be utterly useless. Nick sighs, and Jessica demands that he not
make fun of her on this trip. Well, don’t act like a child, he says. I’m not
acting like a child, she whines. Nevertheless, it’s on the road!
Immediately, Jessica and Leah complain that
they have to pee, that they are bored, that they are cold, and countless other
subjects. They arrive at the campsite and as the girls cower together, Drew and
Nick wrestle with the tents. After a number of humorous attempts, Nick
proclaims, “it’s erect!” The girls, and Sting7, roll their eyes.
As the boys successfully build a campfire,
Jessica complains about the smoke. Then burps. (The Lacheys certainly have
mastered their bodily functions!) They eat burgers and drink beer and all
proclaim they are tired. The boys tease about the possibility of bears, but the
girls are not amused. Jessica proclaims her belly is full of bubbles. Leah asks
if that means she's going to fart all night. Jessica claims it's "just air, not
stinky." Nick says he's tried that, it never works.
The next morning, Jessica awakens and hopes for
an adventurous day! Nick is thrilled to see his wife is in such a peppy mood,
and deep down, knows it won’t last. Drew suggests they take a hike – they can
choose between leisurely and strenuous. Leah immediately ixnays the strenuous.
The Lachey brothers exchange looks at each other. Leah then narcs that Jessica
had her own personal pantry going in the tent. The boys really glare at each
other. She’s just asking for a bear attack! Thanks, sis.
Jessica decides this should be a “drive around”
day and hiking day can be tomorrow. As they drive, Nick as the girls if they are
happy campers. Jessica says they are crampy campers. “Great” the boys moan. Back
at the camp, Leah and Jessica resume their duet of complaints. Leah wants to go
home. Jessica groans, “why didn’t we go to Santa Barbara?”
Nick asks what in the world is she doing with
the Louis Vuitton handbag? She says she never goes anywhere without it. It’s her
pet.
To the camera, all big brown eyes, “Is that
strange?”
Yes.
Time for dinner. Does Jessica want a potato?
Yes, she can have hers hard. That means it’s undercooked, Nick offers. Don’t
make fun of me, she growls. She just doesn’t want it overcooked. There’s no such
thing as an overcooked potato, Drew says. Yeah, huh, Jessica challenges, if it’s
a french fry! She was serious.
Right on cue, the potato falls into the fire.
They gang decide to play a game. Leah reads
from the Book of Questions. One question: If you could experience the most
perfect love you’ve ever had, knowing the other person would die in six months,
would go through with it? The girls say yes emphatically. Nick says no.
Jessica’s jaw hits the floor.
“Your perfect love is me, you better say yes!”
Of course, she’s missing that she would have to die in six months. Sometimes,
Nick looks like he’d accept those terms. “Okay, then yes.” Nick says, inwardly
rolling his eyes. “Are you just saying that to be facetious?” Jessica asks.
Facetious is her word of the day. And her burping seems to punctuate every
sentence. She's charming today.
Next question: Is there anyone who you would
like to trade lives? No, the girls say emphatically. Yes, says Nick. “It would
be cool to be Bruce Willis,” This earns him a stormy look from Jessica. Now,
he’s annoyed. “Why are you getting mad at me?” she whimpers. “I’m not mad!” he
growls. Those Lacheys. Think they’ll grow up to be Sharon and Ozzy?
Jessica and Leah take the inevitable jaunt to
the camp loo. The princesses clutch each other as they walk lit by flashlight.
Visions of hungry bears dancing in their heads. They make it to the bathrooms,
but are horrified to see they aren’t lit. They slowly reach for the door, and
owl hoots. Jessica shrieks loud enough to wake the dead. Little do they know
that Drew is peering at them from around the corner. Once the girls get inside
and seem somewhat settled. He makes some clanking noise on the roof of the head,
and the girls run out shrieking! Then he grabs them in the dark, and they shriek
on yet another key! That was pretty funny.
The next morning, poor Jessica’s nerves are
still on edge. Even mosquitos are making her shriek. Then she is convinced there
is a bee in her hair. Jessica orders Nick to, “Hand me the watermelon, and the
spoon, and hand me my bag, and hand me that potato!”
Nick asks if there is anything else she needs
him to “hand her.” (Heh!)
“Paper towel?” she bats. Nick says it’s hard to
break her of 18 years of spoiledness. She is on a five year plan. He will break
her, he says.
Good luck.
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