Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, Episode 4: Bunnies are Bad
by Sting7, from Reality News Online

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The proverbial buzz has started for Nick and Jessica and their foray into the land of reality television. Both have admitted that it's a little hard for them to watch sometimes (I can relate!), but swear that what you are seeing is true. For Jessica to admit that, it has to be true. Let's face it - she's not coming off as the sharpest knife in the drawer!

Today, we begin with Nick and Drew sharing a look that only brothers can share. Did you fart? They trace the scent to the bathroom that Jessica just left. She has apparently... dropped the kids off at the pool, if you catch the drift. Nick is astonished that his dainty wife could produce such... volume. As Jessica blushes furiously, and Drew howls, Nick is desperately searching for Maalox! Those Lacheys and their biological functions!

"Come here, sh*##y pants!" Nick chides. Jessica does the stop teasing me bit, then proclaims, "You love my stinky ass!"

How long is this show?

Nick lowers something of a boom, if you will, on Jessica. She says, "It's actually at the Playboy Building?" Nick is scheduled to do an interview with Tiffany and Julie of Playboy Channel's Night Calls. And there is the Spike TV launch party at Hef's! Jessica complains that it's her only day off. Actually, Nick offers, she's flying out the night before, so she wouldn't be home anyway. Jessica says she didn't hear that. Nick says to find out before they argue about something they don't have to. Jessica passes another stormy look, and finally just admits it. She doesn't want him to go. Nick thinks she's being silly.

"You'll be surrounded by naked women pawing all over you! Why would I be happy about that?" she says and stalks away. Nick winces. This is gonna be ugly.

Jessica is pouty. Again. Looks like she is leaving town the night before. Nick says if it really bothers her, he won't go. She sighs that he should do whatever he thinks is right. (Don't take the bait, Nick!) Nick says the Playboy mansion has nothing to do with nudity (yep, he tried that). She doesn't buy it for a second. Nick says Michelle thinks it would be really good for him to go. Jessica gulps. (For all of her idiosyncrasies, she won't get in the way of his career.)

As Jessica leaves for her trip, Nick promises to call her tomorrow. She says she's calling before he goes out. The next day at Night Calls, Nick is treated scintillating questions like, "Is it Nicholas Shea or Nick Lachey?" Nick looks like he's in hell. One host (they didn't bother identifying them on screen) notes that he is married to "one of the hottest women ever!"

"I think so," Nick beams.

"I do too!" says trampier hostess. Yikes.

Then Dylan the Gay Truck Driver calls in and says he saw a group called 69 Degrees and the lead singer's name was Nick La Gay! Nick looks at his watch. As Michelle and Nick leave the studio, Nick tells Michelle he's flattered that there is a gay tribute band. Tongue firmly in cheek, he says, "'The Hardest Thing' could be a big gay song!"

Jessica calls. Nick says he's bringing the radio hosts home for a pool party, but other than that, nothing going on. He winces again. Guess she wasn't amused.

Nick tells Drew that he really doesn't want to go if Jessica is so bothered about it. They try to think of a good excuse. Nick thinks he should say his house is a mess and he has to deal with it. Drew says that's not even a lie! Nick calls Michelle, his publicist, and tries to bail out. She thinks it would be good for him to go. Feebly, he takes one more swing: "I don't feel good, but I'll go."

He's going.

Time for the Spike TV party. They leave from Drew's. Leah sends her best to the bunnies. Drew asks if he should bring a couple home. Sure, she says. On the ride over, Jessica calls. Nick reiterates that it's just work. When he hangs up, he says to Drew, "It's gonna be cold in Detroit."

Jessica tells the camera she is not happy. She doesn't want him to go, but she doesn't want to come off like a "stupid wife." (Insert punchline here.) Despite that, she calls again and hangs up immediately. Poor thing.

They arrive at the party and there is boobs and gadunk gadunk all over the place. Then it's the next day (all that build up for thirty seconds?!?)! The fight continues. Jessica says they never do anything together. He just watches sports and hangs out with Drew. "I hardly ever see Drew!" he retorts. (Hmmm... he's been in every episode so far...)

Then Nick calls Drew: "Two o'clock then? Cool!" They are going golfing. Nick mentions that there was a dead mouse in the pool. Jessica asks, "Why would there be dead mouses in the pool?"

"They are called mice," Drew teases her. It must be hard to resist.

Nick decides to go into detail about the germs they carry and adds that "it was all rigor mortised." (Is that a word?)

"Riga who?" Jessica asks. Nick explains what rigor mortis is. "Oh. Learn something new everyday," she says. Sometimes things you never wanted to know.

Jessica is discussing her upcoming golf adventure. She says she's going to "shoot a few holes" and then says her dad killed a duck the first time he went golfing. She's worried about the wildlife.

Jessica gets fitted with a golf glove, which she is pleased with. On the way to the putting greens, she notices they are getting stared at. It must be glove, she figures. Jessica's putting is the disaster you are probably imagining. Her boob is in the way, she says. As Nick practices, she goes on her usual litany of complaints: her hand hurts, she has to pee, she's bored, she has to pee, and ... she has to pee.

The LPGA will be pleased to know that Jessica doesn't think a woman golfer can possibly have boobs.

Nick isn't doing very well either. The skinflint comes out when he insists on finding the balls in the roughs. After being called a "cheap-ass" about twenty times, he aborts the mission. Jessica gets to drive the golf cart, sometimes through other people's fairways, but even that grows tiresome for her after awhile.

"We're having zero fun today!" Nick snarls to his brother.

As the Lacheys leave the golf course, Jessica says they always have fun together, huh? She has to pee again.