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Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, Episode 7: Decorate Me Home
by Sting7, from Reality News Online
Before we begin the latest foray into madness
that is Nick and Jessica, I mentioned that there is a lot of buzz about Jessica
“acting” the dumb blonde on the show. Now TV Guide is even weighing in!
Are we being had? Is this a publicity stunt? Is this reality show really a
comedy in a documentary’s clothing?
I don’t know Nick or Jessica personally, but I
will admit to owning all of 98 Degrees’ albums and am suitably impressed with
Jessica’s talent (her real one). But, if they are acting, they are the Meryl
Streep and Marlon Brando of a new generation! Let’s face it, we’d love to
believe our pop stars are poised and glamorous all the time. The reality is,
what we see just might be what we really get. Scary as that may be.
On with the show.
Jessica, draped across Nick’s lap on the couch,
sighs that they really have to do something with the house. She wants to paint,
at least. Nick says they should wait until all of their furniture is in.
Jessica thinks they could be decorating their
beautiful, but clearly oversized, mansion for the next two years! Unless they
hire a designer, she offers. Immediate veto by Nick. The discussion comes up
again at a restaurant. Jessica really wants to hire a designer. Nick, the man
who never met a penny he couldn’t make scream, says it would cost too much. But,
he is inspired by the idea of getting something done with the house. “You gotta
pen?” he asks.
Jessica’s eyes widen in horror, as she says,
“Nick, no!” Despite her protests, Nick is making a list of all the furniture
they have to move in (from where, I don’t know – Nick said in the first episode
that he sold his condo, so I’m guessing he moved some of his furniture in, as we
saw, and the rest was in storage, but it wasn’t explained; so don’t ask me).
Jessica makes it clear she doesn’t want any part of his list, as he insists on
asking, “what else?”
Jessica implores that he not do anything. “Let
me work my magic!” he fairly giggles. “There is no magic to be had!” Jessica
moans.
She tells us that she is due on the Today Show to
talk about her wedding book,
I Do: Achieving Your Dream Wedding. (You are thinking, she wrote a
book? I am thinking it, too!) As Nick sees her off, she warns him not to do any
decorating while she is gone. He says, "riiiight."
In New York, Tocca, specifically, Jessica and
her mother are greeted with European kisses from a suitably smothering salesman.
They have to find something “cute” for the Today Show. They seem to have
come to the right place. We get a montage of Jessica and Mom leisurely leafing
through outfits, proclaiming each one (let’s see if I can get this right) “cute”
“cute” “very cute” “really cute” “cute” “cute” “cute” “really cute” “cute” “so
cute” “cute” “cute” “cute” “really cute” “really really cute” “cute” “cute”
“cute” “cute” “cute” “cute” “cute” “cute” “cute” “cute” “cute” “cute” “cute”
“cute” and “cute.”
Mom picks out an ensemble for Jessica. Jessica
tells us that she’s not “really a good clothes-tryer-oner. My stylists hate me.
Well, they love me, of course, but I always complain!” Of course. Jessica thinks
she looks like a secretary, but it looks like the winner. And, it’s cute.
Jessica hails a cab, and in raising her arm it
looks like boob escaped! Needless to say, the cabbie pulls over, smiling,
“that’s illegal!” “What’s illegal?” Jessica asks. “You’re illegal!” Mom growls.
That’s so cute.
Nick and Drew have devised a master plan to get
some of his larger furniture pieces in the house. They are taking a metal ladder
and bridging it across a concrete wall and the gate of the deck on the second
floor, to “shimmy” them across. I can think of 47 reasons why this won’t work.
But, on they go. First item, a really big triangular... thing. Table? What ever
it is, it looks heavy and awkward. So, with a blanket on the ladder to slide
with, and a mess of ropes, Drew and Nick heft, heave, and haw this thing on the
upward slope, as it begins to slide backward.
Nick: “Do you have it it?”
Drew: “No.”
Nick: “Can you move it... a little... yeah.”
Drew: “No.”
Nick: “Can you hold it... right there, right
there!”
Drew: “No.”
With that positive enforcement, Nick bounds
into the house (to presumably pull the thing across the ladder on that upward
slope!), as Drew wails, “Hurry, Nick!”
Nick is on the deck pulling, but that ain’t
working. Nick bounds back down the stairs from the deck, and pushes some more,
but that ain’t working. Drew decides he should pull, he bounds up the stairs to
the deck, but that ain’t working. Nick decides they should pull together, and he
bounds up the stairs to the deck... and lo and behold, it works! The brothers
are quite pleased with each other.
Jessica is en route to her book signing, back
the gathered crowd (or lack there of) is disappointing. She thinks this signing
will be all of fifteen minutes. Her Dad tells her that Hillary Clinton’s signing
only drew 250 people, and she’s the first lady. (Not true. The 250 part, not the
first lady part.) Jessica sunnily signs and poses for photos for everyone. One
strange fan babbles that he has met her before and he will see her again in
August! Give his best to Nick! (Call security.)
Nick and Drew are hanging pictures and mirrors.
Drew points out that Nick has all of Jessica’s stuff crammed in a corner of an
alcove. (This looks curiously like decorating. He’s been warned...)
In hair and make-up at the Today Show,
Jessica makes casual conversation with everyone who comes to see her. Then comes
this exchange:
Jessica: “Nice to meet you!”
Fan: “Nice to meet you!”
Mom (admonishing): “Jessica, she said ‘nice to
meet you’!”
Jessica: (Mouth working for a second, then to
make-up artist:) “She is so bossy when it comes to fans! She’s all ‘Jessica,
she said nice to meet you!’ I know that! She said it because I said it
first!”
Dad: “You are a little b-, not so nice, today!”
Drew, Nick, and the previously unidentified
Josh are pushing what looks like a wardrobe up the stairs, niftily taking a plug
out of the wall in the process
(this looks like the same footage as the first episode!). Jessica is at
the Today Show, schmoozing with Katie Couric that she loves married life.
Then, telling us that book signings can take her to strange places, she winds up
at a firehouse to “pay her respects” (did someone die?).
The firemen look amused and titillated as
Jessica, in a slinky little black jumpsuit, emerges from her limousine. They
show her around the station and she is eager to get “dressed up” in the
fireman’s gear. Gee, these hats are so heavy! One fireman asks if she wants to
“get on our pole.”
“I can’t get on the pole!” (Oy vay.) Jessica
leaves the firemen, not a book signed. It’s been a long day and the Simpson
entourage are wandering the halls of a hotel. Jessica is trying her key and it
won’t work. Suddenly, she’s not sure she has the right room. (Look at the key.)
She is sliding her key in what looks like every key on the floor. Oh, her room
is on the 38th floor, and they are on the 36th! (Look at the key!) On the 36th
floor, Jessica notices the room number is on the key! Imagine! Oh, and the room
is cute.
Jessica arrives home, but we only see Nick
closing the garage door and dutifully carrying Jessica’s bags to the bedroom.
Jessica does not seem happy. She says the place looks “guyish.” Nick does not
seem happy that Jessica does not seem happy. Nick insists that she come
downstairs (so they can fight it out!). "What do you want me to say?" she asks.
Say whatever you are going to say.
They are fighting. Nick’s point is that he has
“busted his ass” all day to get the place decorated; specifically, to get his
office downstairs so the space can be used for a walk-in closet for Jessica. He
did this for her and all she can do is bitch in her “non-bitchy way.”
Jessica’s point is that she had no input in the
situation at all. She told him not to decorate (true), and she was denied the
opportunity to say “that looks cute there” (her words, not mine!). They should
have just hired a designer.
Why do they need a designer? Nick wants to
know. Because she doesn’t have time to do it! She’s barely home. Nick said all
she has to do is tell him where she wants what and he’ll put it there. But she
doesn’t know what looks good. Nick whines that he never does anything right when
it comes to her. He struck a nerve and she tries to lighten the mood. She teases
him about the holes he’s plugged in the walls, “We’re gonna have to… re-wall
the whole place!”
“Re-wall?”
“Well, I don’t know!” Nick parries and calls
her a brat. She’s not a brat, she says. "You are so spoiled," he says. "So, what
if I’m spoiled? But, I’m not a brat!" she wails. (Glad she cleared that up!)
Things get ugly again, she swears she hates him right now. "Then go away," he
says. "I’m always away," she says. "Boo frigging hoo," he says, "like I’m not
doing the same thing you’re doing."
“You’re not doing half of what I’m doing!”
(Uh-oh. That was kinda low!) "Oh, here we go again," he says. She mumbles
something about her “paying him.” "How do you pay me?" he challenges. “In bed,”
she says, matter-of-factly.
“Then, I want a raise. With extra benefits,” he
says, a smile playing on the corners of his lips.
“Wh-What are those?” she stutters.
Pause, “You know what they are...” (this is
almost interesting). She’s searching his eyes to see if he’s serious.
Inconclusive. But, you can see in her face that this is not a discussion she
wants to have in front of the cameras, “I’m going to bed!”
“You gonna leave me here to drink alone?” Guess
so, she’s outta there! She heads to the comfort of the couch, under a blanket,
looking forlorn with a TiVo remote in her hand. Nick comes in, playful, but not
angry anymore and moves to carry Jessica to bed. Jessica raises her arms to put
around his neck, but he throws her over his shoulder! “This wasn’t how I
imagined being carried to bed!” she whines. He answers her with a solid whack on
her fanny! She shrieks, but she’s loving it.
Wonder if he’s gonna get those “extra
benefits?”
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