As you may have heard, Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, everyone’s “favorite guilty pleasure” has been renewed! We are just two weeks from the sure-to-be spine-tingling season finale, but fear not! There’s more of Jessica’s mind-numbing mindlessness and Nick’s cheap, vain, eye-rolling to come next year!

We begin with Nick and Jessica and Drew and Leah on the patio, daddy-o. Jessica asks Drew if his butt is as hairy as Nick’s. Just what every sister-in-law wants to know! Drew says you’d have to ask Nick, who apparently has knowledge on the subject (?). Leah giggles an astonished giggle. Jessica goes on that it’s so hairy. Nick says it’s strange, because he has no hair anywhere else, just there. Jessica continues to go on about the hairy bum and Nick gives her a look. Enough.

“What? I like your heiny! I just want to lick it!” (Ugh!) Leah tells her to stop it. Really, stop it. Nick agrees. Shut up. I never knew this show would delve into salad tossing.

Speaking of “Shut Up,” Nick is heading off to his video shoot for his first single, “Shut Up.” He says he looks like crap, but he looks fine. Hair isn’t done and he hates it. Nice to see a little less forehead for once, but he didn’t ask me. He says it’s a rule to never go to a video shoot with your hair done (because they will just undo it and do it again there). And sure enough, he’s being gelled and blow-dried half to death.

And... action! There is Nick, in a black tank-top (okay, so he works out!), doing the buff-boy boogie (basically, awkward lurching – you've seen it before) looking smolderingly into the camera. At one point the music stops unexpectedly and he shrieks to the director, “What are you doing?” His groove was disturbed!

Jessica is watching the shoot. Nick asks her what she thinks. She says not to smile during his opening close-up. He nods. And he does not smile. Hmm.... Director says that’s a wrap. Jessica is wrestling with a bottle of champagne. She says she has never opened one before, but she figures she better learn how before his next video shoot. A couple of the video dancers are directing her how to open the bottle, “which way do I twist?” she asks. Now comes the cork. The dancers are literally cowering on the couch! I’d be wearing goggles and a helmet! The cork goes pop and everyone survives.

The couple return home with endless boxes of shoes! Nick seems to have gone shopping. Jessica mumbles that his shoes will one day rule the house. Two weeks later, Nick stoically turns on the entertainment unit. He is preparing to watch the rough of “Shut Up.” Jessica quietly joins him. As the video plays and “Shut Up” percolates out the speakers, Nick looks like a patient waiting for his root canal! As soon as the song is done, Jessica says, “I like it.”

Nick is not so sure. “I don’t like that whole tank top set up,” (I wondered about that too). Jessica asks if looked at the shots right after they filmed them (logical question). He says yes, but... he just thinks he looks “beef-cakey.” (He IS beef-cakey! Who does he think he is? Clay Aiken?) He’s also uneasy about some of the close-ups. “It looks like an ‘80s video, there’s nothing going on!” (Sigh. That was the cool thing about them! They were esoteric enough to make your own story! Youth is wasted on the young.) Still, some of those close-ups...

Jessica is still trying to be encouraging, “I liked them! Well.. maybe there are a couple...”

Now, it’s Jessica’s turn. As a limo driver paces irritably, Jessica moans that she just can’t wake up. She is due for her own video shoot for “The Sweetest Sin.” Nick is not just tagging along, he’s her love interest in the video, Jessica gushes. Jessica says they always give her early calls because they know she’ll be late.

“This could be a 14-hour day! So, if it’s a 6 AM start...” (oh no, don't tell me she’s going to add!) she bails on it, staving off a sure headache, “this is too early!” At the shoot, Nick is getting spray-tanned, and Jessica is getting her hair treated. She shrieks that her skull is numb (heh heh) and the hair-dresser drolly remarks, “It’s the price of beauty!”

Nick and Jessica, in fetching swimwear, are standing in front of a lush waterfall. And... action! They make out as the “The Sweetest Sin” (you know, I almost typed “The Sweetest Skin!” That could have been the sub-title for this video!) wafts throughout the air. And, they are still making out. Still making out! Hands are starting to travel! Is it warm in here? And... cut! Nick and Jessica are literally shivering! The water must be cold! (With the intensity of that make out, it might have been a blessing for Nick!) Bad news, director says he needs that again. Nick winces.

Nick is outside Jessica’s trailer. He says she is getting her make-up retouched, but there she is! “Oh, here she is!” Nick says. “My ears were itching! Is that right?” “Burning,” Nick corrects her. “If your ears are itching you have a rash! If they are burning, someone is talking about you!” Patience, thy name is Nick.

Dad, a little blush in his cheeks, says that Jessica made the decision to wait until she was married before having sex, and now she can sing about it and “do it until she’s blue in the face!” Thanks, Dad. Nothing embarrassing about that at all.

The video is a wrap, Jess and Nick are visibly relieved. In the limo ride home, Nick is chatting away as Jessica blows bubbles with her bubble gum, a study in disinterest. Nick gives her that “you are annoying me” look and she warns him, she is not in a good mood. She’s tired and cranky. Next shot, she’s out for the count! At home, Nick tells us that was “like, top two worst location shoots ever!” Jessica says she was so cold and shivered so much, her back and stomach muscles are sore! She can’t even laugh! Then she laughs.

Jessica and Nick, with Jessica’s Mom and Dad, convene to watch Jessica’s rough cut of the “The Sweetest Sin.” The gorgeous shots of Nick and Jessica on the lagoon, Jessica coquettishly flirting with the camera, wind tossling her hair, really put Nick’s tank top, camouflaged dancers, and laser beams to shame! And he knows it. Mom asks if she likes it. Jessica says it’s beautiful. It is. Dad says something like, “That was 172 (thousand)?” Jessica says she thinks so, then asks Nick what was his budget, he says low, so only she can hear, “I don’t even want to talk about it.” Ouch.

To the camera, Nick tells us, “After seeing that video it’s obvious mine isn’t up to snuff -- it’s a half-assed video with a half-assed treatment and a half-assed budget and it comes off that way!” He says with some frustration that they have to do the whole “stupid, frigging” thing over again.

Nick gets on the phone with his label to lobby for more money to do a new video, but he fumbles with the three-way calling (kind of kills his bargaining stature!) and he’s told he can have $10,000 tops. I’m no video producer, but I can tell you, that ain’t much. He discusses the idea of using his own money for the video, Jessica thinks that’s a bad idea. He’ll never get it back (true, there’s not much profit for a music video!). He thinks it’s important, it’s the first song from his album, he’s got to get the word out there and generate some interest. She reminds him he would hit the roof if she were asking this question. He can’t argue that.

But, there is good news. He gets $30,000! He tells Jessica he had to give up some wardrobe and publicity budget, and that sucks, but he got what he wanted. The shoot begins, and they are doing it in front of the house! Neighbors must be thrilled. This video has a cameo from Punk’d star, Dax Shepherd. The video itself looks like a nod to the Punk’d episode where Dax pretended to be Jessica’s cousin, demanding $500 to get his broke-down trailer fixed, since Nick “broke” it.

But, Nick is happy with it. No tank tops, no laser beams, no buff-boy boogie. And, that’s a good thing. Dax does some mugging in their kitchen (they must have made friends after being "punk'd"). Nick sincerely thanks the director and Dax.

Curiously, I've never seen MTV play it once. Hmmm...